23/5/2016 – Rotterdam, Netherlands
Now playing: Jack Johnson – Crying Shame
Sometimes, I remember the way he used to look at me. That time when he caressed all my curves in silence, ten thousand times maybe. The way he just used to kiss me tirelessly while I was sleeping, ’til I finally wake up. I also remember all those nights he slept next to me, hugging me and enveloping me of his tenderness. And all the stupid arguments and ridiculous fights. The manner we had to be constantly in opposition, but so close too each other in the same time. There was a kind of alchemy, a surprising magic in our story.
Almost three years have passed now, and in my head, it still seems that it was yesterday. But don’t get me wrong. I do not love that guy anymore. After mourning the remnants of a far too idealized relationship, I finally got over it. I realised that he wasn’t the bastard I used to think of, and most importantly, I wasn’t a victim of our history, as I pleased to present myself. Far away from that.
There was something really strong in taking this gap year in London. I guess that at some point, it allowed me to take some physical and emotional distance from all those small things that used to make me think about our (non-)relationship. I slightly began to forget him, living in the present -real- life, and not in some kind of nostalgic past anymore. I became very detached of it, thinking about it as one could think about its childhood: a pleasant, distant remambrance. The day I finally met that stranger in Brighton who wore the same perfume he used to, I wasn’t sad anymore, I just felt dreamy, recollecting fragments of our time together, full of positive vibes. My need of retrospection that day led me to write to him -again- but not with that desperate undertone and willing to get him back to me anymore; no, just to laugh about some old memories with somebody I used to know.
Sharing that moment with him led me to a deep call into question about the person I was back in time, and my responsability in the failure of our relationship. This was a huge change in my life. I started to reconsider the person I used to be, being very critical about my anterior insufficiensy in terms of honesty, and my unability to be just who I am. My lack of self-confidence made me fear the way I was perceived. I used to worry very much about how people -and particularly he- looked at me, trying to be someone I wasn’t. I played a role during such a long time that I ended up thinking I was this character. Travelling helped me with that too. It was like a second life, a possibility to start everything from the beginning again, discovering and embracing who I really was. Being truthful to my own person, I started to attract people who were similar to me, and with whom I could feel good just the way I was. My relationships started to be far more sincere and pleasant. There was no need to force anything anymore, things just came to me naturally.
It was also at that time that I started to make a selection in my relationships. I wanted to take as much distance as possible from all the things and people that made me feel bad, uneasy or anxious, so I did just that. I did a massive clear-out of my Facebook friends, keeping only the people who counted sincerely for me, and with whom I shared real things – I mean, not the willing to be fakely popular or to comfort myself about my own value through the number of couterfeit “friendships”. Some of them didn’t appreciate. Too bad.
This selection also led me to reconsider the relationships I had after my ex-boyfriend. I started to think about all these insignificant guys with whom I had meaningless relations. And once again, I felt sorry for myself to have to prove my worth this way. You know what I mean.. All these times you didn’t say no because you somewhat needed to fill up all this loneliness inside you. The moments you let some guys treating you like shit or using you as their objects only to feel desired (this said let’s make it clear.. I wasn’t a victim in that situation neither.. who’s used accepts to be so, and therefore also uses the other person). Well yeah.. To make it quite raw, I realised that hooking up with people I barely gave a shit about didn’t make me happy – at all. Apart from the fact that sex without feelings is -in my humble opinion- absolutely boring, it is also really bad for self-confidence. Also, I realised that I wanted be with someone that not only desired me, but also loved me (and not only for my vagina, if I may say) -which is, let’s be honnest, slightly different.
So that’s how I decided that I wanted/needed to be alone, thinking that introspection was necessary in order to give a deeper thought about all this crap and not to repeat the same mistakes all over and over again. That’s how I somewhat eradicated the presence of any men in my life, trying to avoid the drama I used to attract. In all my pretentiousness, I thought that travelling to Brazil allowed me to cope with my loneliness, as I realised back then that solitude was an intricate part of human soul, an insecurity shared by all of us. Far away, I understood that the fear of being alone was something common to humanity, and that factors such as having super cool friends, a lovely boyfriend or even children don’t change anything to that. Of course, it helps us not to be alone. But that feeling of loneliness, that we all try to forget, can be felt even when we are surrounded by huge crowds. For that reason I thought I had to learn and love who I was before being in any kind of relationship. Of course I was right, but what I failed to consider is that the fact of realising and understanding this things isn’t sufficient in itself to endure it without any pain. In other words, it’s not because you know that fire burns that you can’t get burnt anymore. That might sounds obvious, but it wasn’t for me.
That’s how in that beginning of autumn (actually I think that winter must be a more accurate word, but nevermind), I surprised myself thinking about old relationships. Not that I miss my ex-boyfriend anymore (I guess that I finally understood that we just weren’t meant to be together, after all..), but I do miss the sentiment of feeling loved and being in love. And in that concern, I must say that the cold here, multiplied to the orgie of romantic films and the excessive amount of time wasted on Pinterest tracking photos of gorgeous weddings and adorable babies didn’t help very much.